i can’t even bring myself to write a poem. i don’t feel well– i have a cold and i’m in a terrible state of mind. i really needed to write a stream of consciousness.
i thought i was happy. i thought that getting out of the house and being out of high school was doing me well. but i’ve fallen again. i build myself up to fall again. whenever i don’t feel good about myself, i usually feel one emotion or identity the strongest. the last time it was loneliness. this time… i’ve felt really stupid. even if none of my friends or people i know have told me outright that i’m dumb, i know they think it. i don’t think before i speak. you’d think that would be an easy thing to do but apparently not for me, The Dunce. i am everyone’s favorite ditzy girl. a close friend once described me as “the black girl version of a dumb blonde”. i guess he was trying to say it was cute when i would act like a ditz. but when i express my thoughts to him in feeling like i’m not smart… that’s another story.
it seems like i can’t get too far in feeling good about myself without something little bringing me tumbling down. i wish i could identify what it was this time. i don’t know. i don’t know.
i really like having this blog. i have 2 posts still upcoming– one about what banks’ album goddess means to me and one about lil wayne’s 2nd album lights out. i haven’t wanted to write either yet because of the fact that i like to really think about my music posts. i like to put my all into them. and i haven’t felt like it recently.
what will be the thing that brings me out of these slumps? i thought it was feeling lonely but i have friends and family who care. i thought it was feeling like i was ugly and then i realized that i’m definitely not ugly. i think there’s something in me that wants to feel loved, which i think is absolutely and totally pathetic. why do i need to feel loved to feel complete and happy? disgusting. i have no idea what brings me into these feelings but i’d wish they’d just go away so i can be a normal fucking person.
i’m not an idiot. i deserve respect/love. and the bad times will pass.
i’m tired and stressed out about a million things and i really want a donut.