crisis

i can’t even bring myself to write a poem. i don’t feel well– i have a cold and i’m in a terrible state of mind. i really needed to write a stream of consciousness.

i thought i was happy. i thought that getting out of the house and being out of high school was doing me well. but i’ve fallen again. i build myself up to fall again. whenever i don’t feel good about myself, i usually feel one emotion or identity the strongest. the last time it was loneliness. this time… i’ve felt really stupid. even if none of my friends or people i know have told me outright that i’m dumb, i know they think it. i don’t think before i speak. you’d think that would be an easy thing to do but apparently not for me, The Dunce. i am everyone’s favorite ditzy girl. a close friend once described me as “the black girl version of a dumb blonde”. i guess he was trying to say it was cute when i would act like a ditz. but when i express my thoughts to him in feeling like i’m not smart… that’s another story.

it seems like i can’t get too far in feeling good about myself without something little bringing me tumbling down. i wish i could identify what it was this time. i don’t know. i don’t know.

i really like having this blog. i have 2 posts still upcoming– one about what banks’ album goddess means to me and one about lil wayne’s 2nd album lights out. i haven’t wanted to write either yet because of the fact that i like to really think about my music posts. i like to put my all into them. and i haven’t felt like it recently.

what will be the thing that brings me out of these slumps? i thought it was feeling lonely but i have friends and family who care. i thought it was feeling like i was ugly and then i realized that i’m definitely not ugly. i think there’s something in me that wants to feel loved, which i think is absolutely and totally pathetic. why do i need to feel loved to feel complete and happy? disgusting. i have no idea what brings me into these feelings but i’d wish they’d just go away so i can be a normal fucking person.

i’m not an idiot. i deserve respect/love. and the bad times will pass.

i’m tired and stressed out about a million things and i really want a donut.

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amor

love is hard. deep and heart wrenching. why does anyone bother? it’s not worth anything but the feelings of your organs spilling out and your brain feeling like firecrackers that didn’t light correctly. 

it’s troubles and tarnished gold. it’s kicking your one and only out just just to look at the moon at night… and wonder if they are looking too. and knowing they aren’t. 

often one sided. often nothing but faded sparks. sparks that once burned brighter than the sun. never lasts, naive to think it will. not even luck makes some last together. not even the stars aligning. 

i am melting on the inside. i am screaming and burning and being eaten alive. violently evaporating. you are the acid running through my veins and the flowers that grow in my head. my tears feel like blood and hands ache to reach out to you. love is nothing but an eternal ache…

and i live for it everyday. 

okay,finally

cash money vinyl, narrow bed, cloudy days, the thoughts don’t take over my head

life is slow and fast but i never want it to stop, even when i felt like i was drowning in my own sorrow.

i am happy now. happy is not over joyed with big smiles and perfect clear thoughts

it’s not wanting to hide, wanting to turn your mind off and feel empty, wanting to feel pain to feel alive, hating yourself for not doing and being the person you were supposed to be.

it’s living. fresh starts and new people. a mind that doesn’t race with sadness 24/7. its forgetting about the past.

i want to forget. forgetting is good when you’re forgetting bad memories. you’re nothing but a bad memory.

never live for someone else. live for yourself.

i am okay, finally

defining albums, r&b edition (pt. 1)

 

i love music. music is my “thing”. some people really like to take pictures, some people enjoy gardening, i’m all about music. it can take me to a different world. it can help me feel better when i’m down. it’s changed my life, as corny as that might sound.

one of my favorite genres is r&b. i grew up on d’angelo, sade, the isley brothers, etc. i loved the vocals of the different artists. they made me feel… either warm or cool. i can’t describe the wave of emotions i feel sometimes when i listen to music which can be sort of embarrassing. i have a lot of r&b albums that i love like brown sugar by d’angelo and the velvet rope by janet jackson. but the albums i want to talk about today are, for me, albums that defined a point in my life. they’re definitely not the best r&b albums of all time, one of them i wouldn’t even fully consider “r&b”. but they all have a different, special place in my heart because they remind me of a certain time period of my life.

the albums i’ll be talking about are ginuwine… the bachelor by ginuwine, partynextdoor two by partynextdoor, and goddess by banks. first…

ginuwine… the bachelor was released in 1996 (meaning it turns 20 years old this year! and it still holds up very well). it was ginuwine’s debut album and it was entirely produced by timbaland, with features from missy elliott and static major (rip).  my favorite thing about this album is the atmosphere it creates. it’s dark in sound, not so much in lyric content. it sounds like something that would play in a dimly lit club that only serves hennessy and alize and is always at its most packed when it’s raining outside. speaking of the rain, i permanently associate this album with cloud weather and storms. i first listened to it on a day home from school junior year of high school when it was raining outside. listening to it in that environment solidified it as a fall/winter album for me.

i listened to the bachelor nonstop during junior year. i don’t like the whole album, i have to admit. my least favorite songs are “holler”, the intro, and the outro. i don’t even hate those songs too much because what they lack in lyrics are made up for it timbaland’s production. this album helped me realize that timbo was one of my top 3 producers. ginuwine’s voice was so strong on this album and if i had to reccomend one song to someone who needed convinving it’d be “only when ur lonely” the last two minutes and a half or so of that song give me serious chills.

i can’t even choose a favorite song because it tends to switch when i listen to the whole thing again. if i’m in more of a sad mood “only when ur lonely” or “world is so cold” can get to me. if i’m feeling good, “ginuwine 4 ur mind” and “tell me do u wanna” can help elevate my mood even farther. this album can match my mood perfectly at almost anytime.

this album puts me in a set vibe. the vibe being that lowkey club scene i mentioned earlier. if i feel like i’m in a mood or scenario where this album would fit, i listen to it and it immediately makes that feeling or situation better. i love the rain but sometimes it does negatively affect my mood. when that happens the bachelor comes to my rescue. i like this album because it “fixes” me. it makes me feel better when i’m down.

so that’s ginuwine… the bachelor. a post about partynextdoor two will be coming soon. if you’ve read this far, here’s a funny parks and rec clip that pretty much describes me as a person. i am tom haverford, tom haverford is me.

art… idk about all that

my art tools of choice recently have been photoshop and a drawing tablet. i never thought i’d move on from a mechanical pencil and the margins of my notebooks but i realized it was time to switch when i threw all my high school shit out and got sad over my missing alien cat drawing. 

drawing has been a source of frustration for me. people are so talented! how do they draw someone’s face and it actually comes out looking like a picture instead of a sketch? i tend to do art that looks more like cartoon. realism is not for me, a statement that tends to reflect other parts of my life too. i’m starting to accept that things like this…


will be my main style. i really do like to draw my own face maybe because i look at myself in the mirror so much i know how to do it. in this way i overestimate myself by saying “frida khalo did a lot of self portraits too!” yes but no, makenzy. at least cartoon me has great eyebrows.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i can always take lessons and learn how to dactually draw a proportionate body. watch a video, take a class, buy a book. art is so much of a hobby and not an intense fire burning passion for me that i can’t be bothered. so i don’t mind. i’ve got some talent. talent is talent is talent. maybe i’ll get in the moma one day from this:


not even the actual sketch, just this picture of the picture. anything can happen!!

desire // fire

hurt is something that leaks through you even when you have love to engulf you.
trust comes and goes just as quickly as i breathe in and out. 
doubt is wondering if confusion means i care, wondering if i’m really here for you, not knowing my feelings. 
attention is my favorite thing. you can give give give it to me…
i don’t know about sharing it back. 

i don’t want you to feel the same thing i feel right now because others have damaged me in the past. 
then i’ll be just like them. i can never be like them.
you have all the patience in the world when i have next to none. soon
i dedicate | i dedicate

insecurity

why don’t you think you’re beautiful?

girl with curly hair and deep brown eyes, as dark as the night sky

girl with pretty brown skin that glows when you’re overjoyed

girl with a big bright laugh and hands that reach out for a love
you see the world through your tortoise rimmed glasses and sigh at your insecurities

“why aren’t my lips bigger, why isn’t my ass bigger, why isn’t my stomach flatter”

“why am I so awkward, why do i push people away, why won’t anyone love me”

you love yourself but you aren’t sure if others love you
there’s nothing like being lied to. 

there’s nothing like one insult to tear down three million and three different compliments. 

compliments on how ________ you are… are used to uplift you and leave your soul vulnerable for the taking
you are beautiful

and it doesn’t matter if others lie. 

you. me.